I am a 24-year-old young person. This means that I am still within shouting distance of college, and since I just spent the last year taking more classes I can credibly claim to do what all twenty-somethings credibly claim to do: procrastinate like a boss.

My procrastination, though, is especially nuanced this month. As I’ve written before, the MCAT is a mere five days away (May 31!), and my desire to avoid studying, paradoxically, has steadily increased as the fateful day nears. A semi-true to life chronicle of the last few weeks is below, as dictated to a fictional diary.

(I DO actually have a diary, but I only write things in there when I’m emotionally compromised. This means the vast majority of the entries consist of transcribed feelings. Gross. It is the single most depressing collection of words in existence, including the Oregon Trail you-have-died-of-dysentery notification, letters of rejection from employers, and even the old UNC ticket email that begins, “Hello, you have NOT been selected to receive tickets to the Duke game, rendering your weekend completely worthless.”)

May 13th
Dear Diary:

I took a practice test yesterday. The MCAT practice test looks and feels just like the real thing, which means it is five hours of torture. After I finished in the early afternoon, I got my little printout which told me that I really suck in approximately 92 topics, and am somewhat competent in 3. (I am apparently quite skilled at the verbal reasoning category called “Comprehension,” which means I can understand English. <fist bump>)

My plan was to take an hour-long break for lunch, then start plugging holes by reviewing topics I got wrong. But then I turned on the TV – I mean, you can’t eat lunch in silence – and Air Force One was on, and it was the part where Harrison Ford is freeing all the hostages from the conference room and the fighter jet shoots a missile at the 747 and the sweaty pilot guy almost crashes and….

Three hours later, I picked up my score printout. I really hadn’t done THAT badly. I can probably just put off the reviewing until tomorrow.

May 17th
Dear Diary:

Did you know that you can put sriracha sauce on literally EVERYTHING, and it makes it taste better?!? Oh, man. I spent, like, two hours today experimenting. I made chicken stir fry. Does it work with sriracha? Yes. Spaghetti with parmesan and a little pesto sauce? Yes – and now I have lunch tomorrow. It even goes well with eggs in the morning! I know this because I spent a couple more hours today researching recipes for using sriracha. I also laughed heartily at this comic.

Furthermore, on an impromptu trip to the grocery store I found out that Harris Teeter also stocks something called “chili garlic sauce,” which is like sriracha… but SPICIER. I died. Of course, I subjected the chili garlic sauce purchase to the same rigorous testing as the sriracha experiment earlier this morning. Then I had to go out and meet a friend for dinner, because as I explained in “The Struggle to Wear Pants” being social can be kind of a challenge and… What? What’s that? The MCAT? Oh, I’ll do that tomorrow.

May 21st
Dear Diary:

Yesterday I drove from my parents’ house in DC (I was up there to get away for awhile and study, although I seem to have spent a lot of time playing piano and researching a vacation to Southeast Asia) back down to Charlottesville, and I got nailed with a HUGE speeding ticket in Madison County. It was BS, too, because the speed limit dropped from 65 to 60 and the cop was sitting right there at the boundary. Dickhead.

When I got home, I spent like an hour researching the physics of radar guns because it’s on the MCAT. Actually, it’s not, but I wanted to find out if I had a credible case to bring to court.

<listening> …Yeah, good point. No way would I actually show up to traffic court in Madison County. Do you know how freaking far out in the boonies that is? Sigh. I didn’t learn anything about electromagnetic waves, either, so today was a bust. I’ll take another practice test tomorrow, I guess.

May 23rd
Dear Diary:

T-Minus 8 days to the MCAT. I really should have studied today, but instead, I was extremely productive in… other areas. In lieu of studying, I:

• Booked a spur-of-the-moment two-week trip to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand;
• Researched said countries to find out if I need any immunizations, because getting shots is my favorite thing in the world;
• Apartment hunted for two hours, and briefly considered replying to a Craigslist ad offering severely reduced rent in exchange for “favors” (I’m pretty willing to help out, right? The lister must want help weeding his garden… or something);
• Played with a fellow postbac’s brand-new puppy
• Went hiking with said canine
• Napped outside in the sun

Productive, right?!

May 24th
Dear Diary:

The MCAT is in 7 days. ****.

May 25th
Dear Diary:

I studied for a little while today! Then I had an existential crisis and had to stop. (See Depressing, Emotionally Vulnerable Real Diary, page 57.)

May 26th
Dear Diary:

Instead of studying today, I spent the morning on a secret project called “help your mother with her new phone.” It took two hours and could have encompassed two weeks.

I did LOOK at my MCAT books, sitting primly in my backpack. Does that count as studying?

My brain is going to explode. I’m never going to survive this countdown (T-Minus five today). I’m obviously going to fail the MCAT and end up emptying garbage cans outside a hospital while I gaze longingly at the doctors in long white coats bustling by inside. That definitely wasn’t a nightmare of mine I had last night or anything.

Sigh. Okay. Time to study. For real this time.