Today, March 9, 2013, is officially Beat Duke Day. For those of you unfamiliar with the greatest rivalry in college sports (and to some people, the greatest rivalry in all sports), tomorrow night my beloved Tar Heels take on the darker, more evil shade of blue from the University of New Jersey at Durham – better known as Duke University.

Yes, it may be a game of basketball where grown men and women cheer wildly as overgrown 19-year-olds bounce an orange ball and run back and forth for two hours. Or, as I would argue, you can see it as a fundamental battle between the light… and darkness.

For those of you unacquainted with the South, Duke is an infected, virulent pustule of a college located in Durham, North Carolina – just eight miles away from the shining light of Chapel Hill. Duke’s coach, whom I must admit I nauseatingly respect, rather resembles a sewer rat who, not coincidentally, regularly spews forth filth during games better suited for that same receptacle of human waste:

Duke’s reputation for haughty, arrogant and entitled fans (this too) only grows over the years, burnished by a 2010 title run widely regarded as the easiest path to the championship since the start of the NCAA Tournament.

UNJ-D’s penchant for recruiting perhaps the most unfortunate-looking players in the country is better expressed in pictures:

(Cheap shot? Maybe.)

Regardless of my desire to portray said rivalry game as a biennial battle between Good and Evil, the Duke-Carolina game always delivers, spawning heroes…

 

more heroes…

 

villains…

 

and goats.

 

This happened (if you watch only one and you like sports even a little bit, watch this one).

 

And this almost happened.

 

So regardless of outcome, be prepared for an epic game. Tonight, I wish you a good evening replete with beverages, good fun, and access to ESPN. If you have a friend that’s a Duke fan, feel free to punish them by making them stand facing the wall all night.

Go Heels. Go America. And always, always, always: 

GO TO HELL DUKE.