Although it has been quite some time since my last post, rest assured that I – along with my classmates – were diligently at work, grinding through pathophysiology of kidney disease and Obtaining Outside Medical Reco—haha, no, we were all on vacation.
I went home to D.C., played with my dog, went to Colombia for two weeks, and drank on the beach enough to poison the Gulf of Mexico.
Fourth year of medical school is hard.
But it’s over! We graduated on Friday, and now by the power vested in our Chancellor by some committee somewhere, we became official Prescribers of Dilaudid sometime around 9:30 AM two days ago.
This should terrify everyone. No one should ever go to a hospital ever again, even for a stubbed toe. Your same medical student who once held a heart upside down and loudly proclaimed “THIS IS THE LEFT VENTRICLE” while pointing to a fat pad is now a physician.
In case you still have faith in the future doctors of America, here is a miniscule selection of some of the tremendously stupid things I or my friends have done during the past four years.
- Fallen over backwards in their chair while taking an exam
- Identified the spleen as a uterus in anatomy lab
- Ran headfirst into a tree
- Gotten blasted in the face with compressed air from the inside of a patient’s belly
- Inflated a surgical balloon in the, uh, incorrect orifice during a GYN surgery
- Fallen asleep during a surgery
- Faceplanted in the plaza outside the main hospital entrance
- Played the “No-Tee OT” version of beer pong during a field party
- Ended nights at the trashiest bar in town more times than anyone can count
- Vomited while hungover… in the hospital
- Accidentally sent a love letter intended for a significant other to a resident
- Accidentally texted a resident “I don’t care about this rotation”
- Identified the femur as “the leg bone” (not wrong)
- Scored on a CIWA protocol (if you don’t know what this is, you don’t want to know)
- Broken fingers, torn tendons, and ruptured ligaments in pursuit of free T-shirts
- Passed out on rounds
- Agreed to deliver a placenta
This is but a small selection. I refuse to tell you which ones of those are my own. Your newly minted M.D.’s, everyone!!
Of course, it’s not all bad. My classmates have done tremendous, inspirational things that contribute meaningfully to my permanent impostor syndrome. For instance, one now-doctor ate 3.2 pounds of watermelon in a five-minute sitting without vomiting during a competition. Another doctor, during a different competition, chugged three full beers poured into the well of a Frisbee. I can’t keep up with these people.
So on July 1 (or sooner), we functional degenerates will start our jobs as caring and compassionate providers for the sickest of society. Did you know that the worst month for in-hospital mortality is no longer July, but September? Hospital administrators have grown so afraid of us new interns that they now double-cover our work with extra faculty for a couple of months, so it’s generally not until the fall that we can enter even the simplest orders without a doublecheck from someone who knows what they’re doing. A whole bunch of lawyers also graduated this past weekend, and I have a word of advice: Follow us and you’ll make partner in no time – we are walking malpractice lawsuits waiting to happen.
On the flip side, we can explain exactly how it is that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, so that’s gotta be worth the $240,000 in lifelong debt. Right?
Also we are experts at Obtaining Outside Medical Records, although most of us are going to become proficient at Delegating The Obtaining of Outside Medical Records within the next two months.
On a personal note, as I transition from being the lowest person on the totem pole to the second-lowest, I’ll continue to write as best I can. As usual, I will continue to avoid naming my city, hospital, university, or other things that can get me in trouble, although anyone with the computer skills of an 8-year-old can easily find me. I’ll be on the West Coast for the next four years to complete residency; after that, I will either transition to become an attending or sell all my possessions, buy a B&B in Costa Rica, and spend my days surfing.
Errare humanum est,